As my family and I celebrated King’s Night and King’s Day, I came to the realization that I am “making it” as an expat-mom in the Netherlands. Seven years and several stumbling blocks later, I’m taking ownership of my happiness in the Low Countries. Life may not be perfect, but I finally found my happy place, one centered on gratitude, resilience, and family.
While a quarter-life crisis usually sends people to therapy, I celebrated my 25th birthday as an accidental expat in Holland. My expatriation to the Netherlands was a culmination of a love-at-first sight, whirlwind, two year transAtlantic, long distance romance with a Dutch native. If we only live once, why not take a leap of faith and be with the one that we love? After seven years of going through culture shock, homesickness and stumbling blocks learning opportunities, I’ve earned enough street credibility to impart some knowledge to expats who might currently be struggling in their host country.
Whether you’re about to become an expat, are a newly minted expat or a seasoned expat, here are seven essential habits that I’ve observed all genuinely happy expats possess.
1. Embrace your natural curiosity, finding the courage to step out of your comfort zone to try new things and discover the world around you.
Being curious is one of the best assets you can have as an expat. According research conducted by psychologist Dr. Todd Kashdan and Dr. Michael Steger, people who regularly felt curious “experienced the most satisfaction with their life – and engaged in the highest number of happiness-inducing activities, such as expressing gratitude to a colleague or volunteering to help others.” Arguably the best aspect of being an expat is the opportunity to harness one’s innate curiosity when immersing one’s self in a new culture and a different way of life. Learning about the culture goes deeper than simply wandering around and visiting various places – familiarize yourself with the history, try out the different foods, take part in local festivities and experience local customs. Life will surprise you when you are open to experiences, letting your curiosity take center-stage.
2. Being able to say, “I am not comfortable with that.”
While it is important to be open to new experiences, it is also crucial to stay true to yourself. As an expat, you need to define your boundaries and vocalize them. Dr. Susan Biali suggests that “When our efforts to be excessively agreeable and accommodating backfire, we are often left feeling resentful and generally disappointed with life.”
Chances are that as an expat living in a foreign country, you will find yourself in uncomfortable situations. Know where to draw the line. It’s only natural to hesitate, question yourself and doubt whether or not to let the word’s come out. Once you’ve mustered the courage and declare, “I am not comfortable with that,” you’ll find yourself living a more authentic expat life and your overall-well being will thrive.
3. Acknowledging and accepting that you are no longer in your home country.
This might sound painfully obvious, but the first step of finding happiness in a foreign country is to acknowledge and accept that you are no longer in your home country. Many expats fall into the trap of comparing everything to their home country, failing to appreciate what their host country has to offer. Constantly comparing one’s current situation with that of another place and time will definitely lead to unhappiness.
Growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area, I had come to unrealistically expect a certain lifestyle and standard of living when moving to the Netherlands. After all, my then Dutch husband made the innocent mistake of informing me that American culture and Dutch culture were inherently very similar. They are not. And I soon discovered that sunlight, an appreciation for food, multiculturalism, (American) political correctness and general pleasantries are not universal aspects shared throughout the world. Once I got over these first-world problems and simply opened my eyes to all the positive attributes of life in the Netherlands, I realized just how wonderful it is to be an expat mom in the Netherlands.
4. Learn the language.
It’s actually quite disrespectful to the locals and a disservice to yourself if you decide to live in a foreign country for several years and never make an honest attempt at learning the native language. Lamenting on how hard learning the language is will get you utterly no where. Enroll yourself in a class and take the time to learn the language.
Contrary to popular expat belief, the official language spoken in the Netherlands is Dutch, not English. Speaking Dutch to locals (no matter how bad you feel you are at it) is the fastest way to melt the usually stoic Dutch hearts and one of the most empowering experiences I’ve ever had. As my father’s voice echoes “No one can ever take away your education.“, no one can ever take away my NT2 niveau 2 diploma, granting me not only access to studying at a Dutch university or applying for a professional job, but also really be a part of Dutch culture.
5. Be selective on your friendships, especially with other expats.
Motivational speaker Jim Rohn famously said “We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.” Or in other words, as my lovely, wise friend Rachel shared with me, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.”Whether we like to admit it or not, research and experience has shown that we are all influenced by the people we surround ourselves with. Regardless of our own intelligence, our age, our natural talents, and where we come from, who we surround ourselves regularly will has a disproportionate influence on our own successes. After all, craving connection with others is what makes us human. And that connection – emotional, mental, spiritual and physical – has a profound impact on our overall well-being, happiness and ability to accomplish personal goals.
Being in a foreign country, it’s only natural to gravitate towards other expats who speak the same language and come from the same country to establish familiarity and shared camaraderie. It’s often recommended and a healthy practice to reach out to other expats to build a supportive community, to create a safe space to vent frustrations and air out personal grievances. However, be mindful of toxic expats who will simply rain on your parade and prevent you from growing as a person. If you are determined to find happiness as an expat, seek out those who inspire and encourage you to be a better person.
6. And don’t forget how essential it is to befriend a local or two.
Try to make friends with the locals and don’t fall trap to living life exclusively in the convenient expat bubble. Your understanding of the country and culture will only get you so far unless you can get insight from a native. Plus, the more open you are to other people, the greater the likelihood of you establishing your own tribe.
7. Self-Acceptance
Arguably one of the most essential habits of happy (expat) people is self-acceptance. Unfortunately, it is the one crucial habit that is often practiced the least. Many expats, especially trailing spouses, were once overachievers whose self-worth was inextricably tied to their visible accomplishments. Moving to a foreign country can easily leave one feeling naked and vulnerable, starting fresh all over again in a world that may not readily acknowledge one’s previous achievements attained abroad. Hence, for many, including me, expat life is not always a smooth ride. As an expat, it’s absolutely crucial to extend the same kindness to yourself as you give to others. We need to consider our mistakes as opportunities to learn rather than absolute failures. And we must be patient enough to understand that there will be many learning opportunities along the way. Take not only the time to learn about your new environment, but also find some quiet time for yourself to tune into your feelings. Expat life will forever change who you are and it’s only right to also get acquainted with your new self.
Being an expat is not for the faint of heart. It’s for those adventurous enough to pack their entire life’s possessions into a couple checked bags. It allows you to take only what’s the most essential, leaving behind all the extra unnecessary baggage and forcing you to re-define what’s actually important. It takes tons of courage, a hint of craziness, and relentless faith in one’s self to create a home in a foreign land.
But for the few who dare travel the road less traveled, I can guarantee you that they won’t look back with regret for having lived a life less ordinary. Rather, being an expat changes you forever, allowing you to feel more connected to the rest of the world and helping you to live a life well lived. Just like the joys of parenthood, while nothing can really prepare you 100% for life as an expat, hopefully these seven tips will get you to a place of genuine happiness as you seek out your new adventure.
Here’s to Finding Dutchland, wherever you may be.
p.s. If you feel like wasting more time, come join me on my Facebook page for random updates about life in the Netherlands, raising kids, parenthood and other random stuff on the internet that I couldn’t resist sharing.
